manifesto

So I have decided to change things up a bit around here.

I'm not sure if I can really put into words what my motivation was in first starting my blog.  The title "So Much In the Ground" was taken from an Ani Difranco song.  She says "I've got a garden of songs where I grow all my thoughts.  Wish I could harvest one or two for some small talk.  Seems like I'm starving for words whenever you're around.  Nothing on my tongue, but I've got so much in the ground."  I connected with that, and used it for a title, I think, because I was hoping to be able to write about the things I never have a chance to talk about anymore- art, emotion, poetry.  All those passions were there, below the surface, but I never had an opportunity or outlet to express them anymore.  I wanted to try to stimulate my brain with more critical thinking than I am typically used to as a stay at home mom.  I think I was hoping to try to write beyond just diary entries of the day to day with the kids, but try to resurrect a "higher" plane of thought... to try to reconnect with an aspect of myself that doesn't have anything to do, necessarily, with being a mother.  I suppose I wanted my blog to help me maintain some sense of who I am as an adult minus children.

But, as it turned out, all I ever really write about is my life as a mother.   That really is who I am after all.

I also started this blog at somewhat of a dark time in my life, in general and as a mom.  I was overwhelmed and I was losing myself.  Each day was a struggle.  Blame hormones, blame a chemical imbalance, or just chalk it up to me being a bad person. Maybe I was having an identity crisis- fighting the transformation of who I was into who I am.
But I'm pretty sure the fight is over.

I am still in a constant state of change and discovery, but I am more submitted to it now.  And I can sit back and enjoy it.
I marvel at it.
My children fill me with wonder.  They puzzle and perplex me.  I am constantly amazed by them.
I marvel at them.

So that's it then.