sometimes i feel like the only person i am not in the process of damaging psychologically is the dog. and even that is questionable.

i was "ignorantly optimistic" about adding a second child to our family.  i had visions of being able to wear my baby in a sling or wrap, letting him sleep and nurse the day away while i was free to play with iris.  everyone was happy and cuddly, their needs being met and i was blissfully meeting them.

the reality is so much more... difficult.  and the day to day is so much more unhappy.  the reality is, i don't want to wear my baby in the wrap all day long!  sure, he is content to be on me all the live-long day, but i want to feel unencumbered every once in a while.  my back hurts, and despite all the hype, you really can't do everything you normally would while wearing your baby.  i can't bend over and reach into the washing machine to do the laundry, i can't give iris all the attention she wants or needs.  i can't do the dishes.  i can't sit down and relax.  and i feel like it's next to impossible to make sure everyone's needs are met.  if iris wants to read stories, i have to put asher down and listen to him wail and cry, which makes me frustrated and unable to focus on reading and iris gets distracted and irritated.  so i try to nurse him while i read to her to keep him quiet which means she can't sit on my lap and i can't hold the book and turn the pages.  it's an exercise in futility.  all of it.  there really is no way of making sure everyone is happy and content, and i am certainly not happy with the trying.
i feel so inadequate and ill equipped for this job.  by the end of the day i am so tired of trying.  i just want it to be over.  i feel like i can't enjoy my children because i am so overwhelmed just trying to get from one moment to the next. i am jealous of people whose children take naps and i resent my own for not.  i don't know how to put into words how insane it makes me, how paralyzed and out of my mind i feel during "naptime".  i want to scream, and sometimes i do.  which makes me feel even more crazy.

i originally wrote this one week ago today, but didn't bother publishing it, but just let it drop off because i was too upset to find words.  since then i have implemented more of a routine, letting asher cry it out.  it has been working fairly well until last night and today.  today has been another day where i just feel out of control.  and i really do feel like days like today, and last week, i might be crazy.  and that, in between the yelling and the crying,  i am somehow permanently psychologically harming my children.  i feel like a loose cannon.  and i feel completely and utterly alone.

everyone says a mother should always feel comfortable reaching out for help when they need it.  but any time i try to reach out, i just feel like an unwelcome burden.