I have been trying to string together a coherent thought about my feelings toward parenthood vs "selfhood" but nothing seems to quite capture what it is I am wanting to express. I'm not sure why I really want to express anything, but I guess I am just feeling a bit conflicted and perhaps typing it out- or even getting feedback?- might help to organize my mind. Plus there is the whole time-capsule(ish) nature to blogging... I wish I had blogged earlier on, perhaps started toward the end of my pregnancy with the boy. I literally have only the vaguest of memories about his days as a newborn, if any memories at all... sometimes I don't know if my memories are actual memories, or if I just remember seeing a photograph and think I remember the event. Some days I think maybe I should have a third child just so I can try to make it a point to actual remember his/her babyness. I am getting off topic.
Everyone knows what "parenthood" means. I don't feel like I need to define my terminology here. Yes, individuals' specific ideas regarding what it means to be a parent can vary greatly from person to person, but suffice to say they all include the raising of at least one human child. "Selfhood", on the other hand, I would describe as the "raising" of one's self, the cultivation of personal identity and interests. Selfhood isn't necessarily selfishness in a negative sense, but on the contrary, a very positive regard for the self. I would say it's self in verb form.
Anyway, it might be a safe assumption to think that before becoming a parent, not involved in parenthood in any way, one could be fully immersed in selfhood. Endeavors could pretty much completely for the self, toward exploring and defining who one is as an individual (I know there are things that someone who is not a parent can do completely selflessly... but those things aren't really a factor here. Hopefully that will be more clear as I write. I told you, I am having a tough time forming my thoughts. Bear with me...).
Entering into parenthood, maintaining selfhood becomes, at least for me, a difficult undertaking (to put it lightly). What was once done so easily, even thoughtlessly, now requires discipline, forethought, stress and frustration. It is so difficult to describe this phenomenon... anyone who is a parent can probably relate, but I don't know if anyone else can put it into words either. And this is where I start to get really hazy and muddled in my idea formation and thought process...
I want to maintain a sense of who I am as an individual, a person outside of the parenthood. But every time I try, I feel like I am just trying to hold on to some apparition of who I used to be. I don't think I am that person anymore- I know I'm not that person anymore. But does that mean I am to be defined as an individual through my being a parent? If that were the case, maybe I should become a Duggar-esque baby factory and start squeezing out more tots so that I can maintain my personal identity as a mommy and a caregiver! Kidding aside, how does a person dive head first into being a parent, totally immerse themselves solely in the ebb and flow of childrearing and drown out all other ideas of personal pursuits? What sort of pressure does that put on my kids if I depend on them for my selfhood? And what will I do when they grow up? Who will I be then??
I guess what I am really getting at is that I don't really know who I am. I am not who I used to be, but parts of that person still linger, good and bad. And now I have all these new parts that carry a lot more weight than I ever expected and I am having a hard time juggling them and finding out where I fit in between. I am afraid that if I abandon my "selfhood" for now in order to focus on the parenthood, then I will just lose myself altogether. And this is scary to me, because I like a lot of those parts of myself that have nothing to do with my children and I don't want to give them up.
The thought just occurred to me, balancing on this precipice between being me and being mommy reflects a lot of my feelings toward my relationship with God. I might be walking along the edge of a cliff, but at least for now I am on some semblance of solid ground- be it good or bad, I like it here. And I am afraid of what I am going to have to leave behind if I completely let go and fall... and who will I be on the other side?
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