it seems like every stay-at-home mom with a camera fancies herself a professional photographer these days. and they have a facebook fan page. "i specialize in children, family, maternity, and newborn photography!" and i am just lost among all the rest of them. i feel like i should be better than this, better than them. and then i feel ashamed for feeling that way. because, really, am i any better??
once upon a time, a time before children, i was an artist. i could fill my time creating, discussing, researching my art, other people's art. i was confident. i was good at it. i was going somewhere.
i feel like i am now at a mental standstill. my brain is stagnant. i daydream about projects but never pursue them. i don't have time to pursue them. or, rather, what time i do have, i am too exhausted from the inside out to do much more than crash.
so portraiture has just become an easy way to make a few bucks and keep my gears from getting so rusted they no longer turn. but i feel, for lack of a better term, like a sell-out.
i want my kids to have a mother who is passionate about something, to be a living testimony of putting that passion into action. there are so many things i used to be passionate about, and so many things i used to be good at, even known for. i feel like i am not only letting myself down by being so stuck, but maybe i am letting them down too. i don't feel like i'm very good at much at all these days.
anyway, as soon as i get an actual website, i'm deleting the facebook fan page. sure, it's a decent way to get my name out there, but i feel like i have no credibility. i need to separate myself from the pack.
Life comes in seasons, your passion will return... AND...if people pay attention to your portraits, it is clear you ARE an artist.
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely true that there is no small amount of photog moms out there. Some of them are great some of them suck hardcore. I think you ought to leave the fan page up if for no other reason then as basis for people's comparison. Some arts (like portraiture) speak for themselves, give their own credibility.
ReplyDeleteI have the same issue... in college I was a certified art snob (and I say that in a purely complimentary way) and I had the opinions and portfolio to prove it. Now what do I have? Portfolio is packed behind a bouncy chair (which I should return to you) and a crib and my opinions are still strong but dated.
But it seems the REAL difference is my belief in myself as an artist. I know I have ability but what worthwhile thing am I doing with it?
I guess the answer for now is that I am not doing much but things will change again as they always do and I will get another opportunity at doing... something. In the mean time I seek satisfaction in small ways.
oh Kate, I know exactly how you feel. I struggle so much with that idea of, "what makes me different than all those other mom/photographers out there" but I can't ever come to any conclusion. So i just keep moving on, and tell myself, they're just trying to remind themselves that they used to be a woman/girlfriend/artist/teacher/sister before they had kids.
ReplyDeleteWhy do children suck the life out of us? The weird thing is, when I look at my mom, (and this seems to be true of a lot of women) the last thing I think is, "Well, she's just a mom". A mother is so much more, and even if all you do is raise your kids and take "pictures" of them, they will always think you are amazing and multifaceted.
And like everyone above is saying, there is so much more time ahead of you. Remember, you and I had our kids early, so we'll be under 50 when they're out of the house! They say 50's the new 40 . . .
"heart"
Amy