Blessings.

For several days, I've been trying to think of what to write today, Asher's first birthday.  I've been so busy, working on photos for clients, putting together lesson plans for tutoring sessions, planning the party, keeping up with the day to day (I am actually shocked that I am even able to take the time tow write anything right now).  Random short thoughts would come into my mind while doing dishes, or looking at photographs, or playing with the kids.

This year has gone by so very fast... It scares me that they are only going to pass more quickly as time goes on.  Despite that, sometimes, the days seem so very long.  Painfully long.

I was looking at pictures taken of Asher in the hospital moments after his birth, his face strained and wrinkled in an open-mouthed cry, his eyes squeezed closed.  He still makes that face, when he's tired and I have to set him down and he wants to cuddle.  It's also the same face he makes when he doesn't get his way.  It's amazing to think that what was once so new and unknown, I now know very well.  The faces he made in the moment of his birth into the world, he still makes today, and I will probably still recognize in him when he is a teenager.

Most people think that women were cursed by God and that's the reason we have pain in childbirth.  It was a lasting punishment after our banishment from the Garden, our separation from Him.  Honestly, I believe the opposite to be true.  Experiencing the pain of labor, the unmedicated, raw, emotional upheaval,
brought me closer to God in a very real and tangible way.  During Asher's birth, I was brought to the brink of an abyss, and it is only by the power of an awesome God that I labored through it- not an awesome doctor, or awesome medication (though my doctor IS pretty great!)... it is though that experience that I have a greater confidence in myself, and what I am capable of.  "I can do everything though Him who gives me strength".  Everything.

So, Asher, a year ago today, I didn't know you.  You were wanted, loved, and anticipated and totally unknown.  I struggled to learn you.  I failed you at times.  But loved you always.  I held your head steady to support you as I cradled you, and now I hold your hands to support you as you learn to walk.  You have changed me more than you know.  I love you.  I can't wait to watch you grow.