i was overdue. this was frustrating to me because i was so convinced that we'd gotten the due date pretty accurate this time (iris was 2 weeks late, primarily, i believe, because of an inaccurate due date. but that's another story). anyway, i was in an "any day now" mentality since the end of june, so when it got to be nearly mid-july (after a couple of rounds of *gag* castor oil), i was convinced the baby would never come. i was tired of going out in public and responding to people's well-meaning (but ill-timed) "you STILL haven't had that baby?" and, my favorite, "you should be home in bed!" so i was hesitant to call our doula on the evening of july 13th when i started feeling tightness in my abdomen while bouncing on the ball in front of the tv. i didn't want to jinx myself. but i called her anyway and told her that she MIGHT get a call from us overnight or the next day... i went to bed early, just in case (but every night up until that point i went to bed thinking, 'maybe tomorrow', so i wasn't optimistic).
i woke up at 3am. i was still feeling regular tightness across my (basketball-sized) abdomen. i was still hesitant to call them contractions at this point, but i got out of bed and sat in the rocking chair. i knew i wasn't going to be able to get any more sleep. after nearly an hour of trying to keep an eye on the clock to time my own contractions (which were around 4 minutes apart the entire hour-- i felt it was safe to say these were labor contractions!), i decided to wake timm up at around 4 (to keep me company more than anything else). it felt exciting, like christmas morning as a child! it was FINALLY happening! we went downstairs, timm made coffee and i called heather to let her know. the contractions weren't painful, just tight.
i'm pretty sure at this point we decided to watch a movie... we'd had the news on, but the people and commercials were bugging me in a bad way. i wanted something soothing, or drab, with a decent soundtrack. something i could ignore but that timm could watch while i focused on contractions. i wanted shawshank redemption, but as it turns out we don't own that one. so, after looking at our movies, i decided to watch star wars. yes. star wars. the epitome of geeky-manliness. appropriate for a son of timm's to be welcomed into the world by a jedi. but it does have a decent soundtrack. and i was able to ignore it all together. i think we watch two full episodes, even ;)
we ate watermelon and bagels. we didn't have either one at home, but that's what i wanted to nibble on throughout labor. timm went to the store, but i really have no idea when in the timeline he did! it was some time after we called heather (our doula), because it was at her suggestion that we have some food... but i don't remember when we called heather...
part way into the first starwars episode, iris woke up... it was maybe 6am? i remember it was early for her (she's usually up between 7 and 8). i don't know if she heard us moving around or what, but she's usually a good sleeper at night. she had her usual breakfast, but i know she could tell something was up. she kept on trying to climb on me or cuddle with me and at this point i was having to really focus through contractions. they weren't really painful or anything yet, but they did require me to stop what i was doing, and just breathe. having a curious 2 year old on top of me made this difficult. we called my mom at around 8am (i think... she probably remembers better than me) to come pick up iris to stay at her house (i think we also called her earlier in the morning to make sure she didn't go into work that day). so i'm not sure what time exactly mom came and got iris, but i do remember star wars was still playing. i remember her commenting about how well i was taking the contractions, which was encouraging to hear.
i don't really remember distinctly every little detail of what went on during the time that timm and i were alone, when the contractions started getting more and more intense. iris and mom had left, and our doula had not yet arrived. it was just the two of us. still excited and optimistic, swaying together during contractions, feeling close and connected. this was probably my favorite time out of both of my labors-- this time alone eagerly anticipating the arrival of our baby, not overwhelmed by pain, not afraid of what was happening or going to happen, but encouraged by my husband, comforting me through contractions. beautiful.
heather arrived at around noon. having a doula is probably the best thing a laboring woman can have. the only downside, really, was that after she got there, i lost that feeling of complete connection between me and timm that i had when we were alone. but, really, that's ok. because the contractions were really getting painful and heather has experienced hands whose touch can just melt away tight muscles. it was worth the trade-off! for several hours i labored at home, even tried to rest upstairs with timm for a while. every time i went to the bathroom, i was sure my water was going to break, but it never did. finally, when trying to walk from the dining room table to the bathroom and stopping for contractions at every step, i decided i was ready to go to the hospital. i was seriously dreading the walk from our back door to the car! while i had short one to two minute breaks between contractions when i was still, the contractions were right on top of one another every time i tried to move.
it was somewhere around 5pm when we left for the hospital. timm and i were in my car and heather followed in hers. that was the longest, most excruciating car ride i have ever experienced. during the car ride, the back labor began. it is not an exaggeration to say that every little bump in the road radiated in my entire body. each little vibration of the car (and i have a rattly car) triggered another contraction, which dissolved into pain in my back. one right on top of the next. i repeatedly told timm that if i was 5 cm or less dilated when we got to the hospital, i was getting the epidural. i'd had ENOUGH of the pain. even in the delivery room after iris was born, i swore i'd never endure back labor again without drugs. i was so sure i wouldn't have this type of pain again. i mean, what are the odds of having two posterior facing babies? i was so sure that i was further along than 5 cm, i figured we'd get checked in just in time for me to push. otherwise we were probably facing another marathon (29.5 hour) labor like i had with iris. in which case, i was going to resort to the epidural (something i did NOT want to have to do).
finally, the hospital was in sight. i was so relieved that we were finally there. finally i could settle in, float in a bathtub to relax away this back pain! as we pulled into the hospital parking lot, the most horrifying sight lay before me. speed bumps. SPEED BUMPS?! timm still likes to make fun of how i freaked out at the sight of those speed bumps. i swear it was like running a slow gauntlet of excruciating pain just to pull into the hospital...
when i was finally able to get out of the car, i knew there was no way i was walking up to our floor. it would have taken me a week to walk that far! i settled into a wheelchair and i felt like all eyes were on me... it is somewhat mortifying to experience hard labor contractions in front of strangers. i mean, hospital staff is one thing, but other random patients? it felt like people were gawking at me and i couldn't wait to get inside.
when we finally got to triage, i couldn't even make eye contact with the nurse who checked us in. there was no release from pain, between my contractions and the back labor. finally, she strapped me up to the monitors. the baby needed to be monitored for about 20 mins before we could move into our delivery room, where i was reassured with the promise of a soothing soak in the whirlpool tub. then she checked my cervix. drumroll please.... i was exactly 5cm.
5 centimeters. at the moment the words left her lips, i lost what little control i had left. the contractions were unceasing and i bawled! i cried because i was afraid i was in for another full day of pain. i had already been in labor for 12 hours and i couldn't take it any more! the back labor was something out of a nightmare, and the epidural was something i was so unprepared to receive. but i felt like giving up. when she asked if i wanted a hep-lock (which i had written in my birth plan that i did not want) i said i might as well because i am going to get the epidural anyway.
to make matters worse, the nurse was unable to get a good "read" of the baby on the monitor. so after spending a longer than usual time in triage, we were finally allowed in our room, but i was not allowed off the monitor. which meant i could not get in the tub. i couldn't even get off the bed with those things strapped around my belly. heather kept encouraging me, reassuring me that soon the monitors would come off, we could get in the tub and relax, but in the mean time try to shift into this or that position to take some pressure off my back. i numbly followed her suggestions. my brain felt like it had shut off, and i had shut down. i was so ashamed of my response, but i couldn't help it. the tears wouldn't stop. the nurse put the needle in my wrist for the hep lock which hurt almost just as bad as the contractions. i felt like a crazy person, but any control i had was lost in the constant waves of pain.
finally my doctor, dr bowen, arrived. it was about 6pm. he checked me and i was at about 7cm and my water still had not broken. the nurses still couldn't get a read on the baby so i was still strapped to the monitors. dr bowen said that the baby was still at +3 station which is as high up in the uterus you could possibly be. he suggested that i let him break the bag of waters for me so that the baby might decend. i was starting to feel angry, because all the signs (in my opinion) pointed to another long labor- i was sure i was nowhere near the end, and would somebody PLEASE just give me the freaking epidural? every burning squeeze of intense pain across my back brought with it a new wave of tears and frustration. i was scared, and depressed. i wanted to be numb. but the very notion of wanting the epidural further saddened me. i thought i could do this. how could i let myself down like this?
the nurses started the iv fluids necessary for an epidural to be recieved. i barely remember them hooking me up, but i remember the tubes were really annoying and got in my way. those tubes plus the two monitors which were still strapped around me added to my frustration. i told dr bowen to break my water.
what happened after my water was broken was crazy. it was ridiculous. i don't know how to describe the feeling other than to say it was the most intense thing in my life. i went from 7cm to nearly 10cm almost immediately. dr bowen basically reached in and helped the baby down from +3 to -3 in an instant. my back. oh, my freaking back. it was like a starving animal had been chewing on it and decided to pick me up in its jaws and thrash its head around. dr bowen told me to push. finally! but unlike last time, pushing was hard. when iris was born, the urge to push just overtook my body and it basically happened on its own. this time, i had to force it to happen. and it was hard. and it hurt. a lot. because unlike normal contractions, where you get a break from the pain, my back just wouldn't quit. then i felt the "ring of fire" and i knew i was close. i was almost to exhausted to be excited. (almost)
then, at 7:40pm asher was placed on my chest, all warm and wet and alive. (there really is no feeling in the world that compares to holding a newborn baby the moment he is delivered...) all i could do was repeat, "my baby, my baby, my baby" over and over again as i held him. he didn't turn pink right away (in my opinion he was pretty ashen). he didn't cry, just sort of squeaked, and he didn't move a whole lot. and he had apparently passed a good deal of meconium in utero, so he had to be taken away for deeper suctioning. i didn't want him to be taken off of me (but of course, he had to go). the release i felt, the relief was so great. my whole body sighed with it. the pain was gone almost immediately (the back pain didn't completely subside until well after the placenta was delivered).
also, the baby apparently was not posterior (which is almost always the cause of back labor). instead, my doctor believes that the back labor is just my body's way of translating the sensation of the dilation of the cervix. awesome... no matter what, i will always have back labor? i decided right then, that i was done with having babies. we'll see...
i guess it took me a while to come to terms with this birth because it wasn't what i expected. my labor with iris was new an uncharted territory, so i had few expectations of how it would happen. this time, i thought i was better prepared, that i had learned from that experience and could somehow be more in control this time. handle it differently. enjoy it more. i was blindsided with the fact that i DIDN'T enjoy it. that i lost all control. was overcome. it wasn't the serene, beautiful birth i had planned for. instead of feeling strong and empowered, the overriding emotion that i was left with was despair. it was sort of like waking up from a really sad dream and having that feeling linger with you for the rest of the day. it wasn't like post partum depression, because i never felt disconnected from my baby, but i was disconnected from my experience. which is another reason i was so grateful to have a doula. talking to her several weeks later helped to reassure me. her words helped to crack my tainted view of my experience and shed light on the power that i have and the power that i embodied during the delivery of my son.
No comments:
Post a Comment